Confessions

I’m enjoying having babies a lot more than I thought I would.

The day they were born, I thought to myself, “Oh man, I see why people want a lot of these. Maybe I want more.”

Holy shit, one baby would be SO EASY.

I still feel like myself. I was afraid that I would be a different person or that I *should* be or feel like a different person.

I miss being in the hospital. Other than being woken up constantly, I liked having people there to take care of me and us, and to be the experts. If something were to go wrong or if we had a question, a qualified professional was there to know what to do. Plus most of the nurses were just super friendly and genuinely caring. I was (am) so, so grateful for them.

Sometimes, if I’m not looking at the babies or interacting with them, I forget about them. (They sleep pretty much all day and only seem to fuss at night if they drop their pacifier.)(Yes, I know this will change soon. Don’t rain on my parade.)

Sometimes I’ll watch tv or read my phone while feeding them, instead of gazing lovingly into their eyes. Feedings take a long time! I get bored!

They are so freaking tiny and cute, I can’t stand it. Their teeny legs slay me.

I’m tired of not being able to move freely without discomfort. It’s been months now.

I’m relieved that I’m starting to look like myself again.

Occasionally I’ll think that I’m not so tired and that we’re doing fine. Then I remember that half the time we sleep through the feeding alarms for a good 20 minutes.

Overall though, we really are doing fine. I think.

But I could really use a nap. Or a lot of naps. Or more than two hours of sleep in a row.

I thank the deity-of-your-choice for my husband’s company–he gets a month paid paternity leave. I think with one baby that would be really nice, but with two babies, it’s a necessity to have a second grownup pair of hands. He does so much. I worry that he’s running out of patience.

There’s nothing better than watching a good man become a good daddy. 🙂

I’m really impressed and proud of my body. The nurses in the hospital kept trying to get the babies to latch and it never worked, because there was no milk. I figured it might not ever come in and that just wouldn’t be something my body can do. But it finally came in on Sunday, the day we went home, and I’ve been pumping ever since.

However, only one side will produce much at a time. And it keeps changing which side. And right now both sides are down, actually. Harrumph.

We supplement with formula sometimes, to help stay ahead with stockpiling pumped milk.

They’ve started to look more alike. I think I mentioned this before–we’ve continued to keep them assigned to one color, for ease of identification. I feel bad about this, but it’s only until they’re old enough that we are confident enough in recognizing their faces. (Geez, that sounds terrible.)

I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t emphasize it enough–this whole thing still seems completely and totally surreal. I am still in shock or disbelief or just straight up denial. Babies! That I grew! Who are now actual people (we even got their social security cards already)!

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6 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. A month paid paternity leave!? So jealous!!! But I could see that being 100% necessary (I felt like I needed that extra set of hands for the first month and I’ve only got one little bean!) I hope we get to see you tomorrow – if Sofia and I can manage it. We have a breastfeeding support group to go to before the meetup so hopefully she’s up for a big day 🙂 Would love to hear more about your little guys!

    PS: being a mama is really freaking fantastic right?! Despite the lack of sleep and te cluelessness and stress about what is normal for the little babies! 🙂

    • Yes, it’s a great company all around–their policies are really progressive. We are very lucky! 🙂
      Hope to see you two too! And I’m excited to bring one or both of mine to the next gathering in a few weeks.
      The M word still makes me feel a little weird–that *really* is strange to be applied to me!

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