Assorted Things I’ve Worried About for the past Eleven Months

Vanishing twin syndrome

Breaking their in-utero brains by jumping

Cooking them improperly because I don’t eat meat

That they’ll have bad teeth or bones later because I don’t drink milk (though I eat a lot of other dairy)

Messing up something in them because I used benzoyl peroxide

That they’d come out with something wrong with them

That something was wrong with one or the other who wouldn’t move as much for awhile in utero

That I wouldn’t feel enough for them after they were born

That I wouldn’t know how to be a mother

That I wouldn’t be a good mother

That they wouldn’t be cute

That I wouldn’t think they were cute

That they wouldn’t be cute but nobody would tell me

That I would never stop hurting from the c-section

That my face would stay swollen

That my butt would go flat

That I would change

That they’re not growing as much as they should

That they’re gaining too much weight

That they’re gaining weight wrong

That their feet haven’t grown

That I’ve ruined them because I don’t sing to them (they do hear plenty of music)

That I’m not playing with them correctly or enough

When they randomly have a big spit up or cry when eating, that I did something wrong and it came through my milk

When they screw up their face and get all red and scream–and I don’t know why or how to fix it

Their flat heads won’t get better and they’ll need helmets

That people would judge me for not breastfeeding/that I have to explain or justify not breastfeeding

That I have to explain or justify having a c-section

That they will have problems later on and it will be my fault for any of the above reasons

That I’m forgetting everything about life with them as little babies

That they’ll be sick and I won’t notice

That since so many things have gone well thus far something bad will happen later

That I don’t worry enough

And all kinds of worst-case-scenarios that I can’t bring myself to even write