Having It All

Another post from over a year ago. The babies have changed so much, and yet my day-to-day mama experience is pretty much still the same. Seriously, I need more hours in the day.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

{breath}

Hahahahahaha.

That’s funny. At this point I would settle for having some of it. Whatever “it” is.

I currently have eleven drafts here on the blog, ranging from just a title to nearly done. I have a list of literally seventeen more posts I want to write.

I’m reading another book on my kindle, occasionally, during the last feeding.

I’m a month behind on Project Life. I just finally ordered photos. I don’t know when I’ll actually work on getting everything done once they arrive.

I also want to use Project Life to document all the trips we’ve done in the past few years (Costa Rica, Greece, Central Europe) plus the wedding. At this point, I’m not sure if this will ever happen.

I’m always between a day and a week behind in uploading photos to flickr.

I’ve been trying to get out a little bit during the week when it’s just me and the babies. I’ve taken a couple walks and went to baby group. All has to scheduled around feedings, naps, and pumping.

We really need to rearrange our living room. The way we originally set it up, it’s all sectioned and blocked off. But I want to arrange it to open up some space in the middle–which we need for baby stuff and soon moving babies. But first I must organize and eliminate piles of my crap. The actual moving things around is a big project that will have to be done in one go, on a weekend when we have someone here visiting who can help.

We need to put the second crib together. At least that’s only a one-time thing too. But it’s a pain in the ass.

I also have a husband that sometimes I hang out with, on the couch with some tv.

Usually I try to eat “meals” or at least a series of snacks.

Every time I walk into a bathroom, I sigh to myself because everything needs to be cleaned. Really every room in the house needs to be cleaned and tidied. But half the time there’s a screaming baby (or two) in the next room. Or it’s time for me to pump. Or eat, or go to bed. Or I am trying to get something else done. Or really, let’s be honest, I just don’t want to.

Because I am a crazy person, I decided that I needed to get a little bit of crafting time in again and started a small knitting project (and sketched out a potential crochet project).

The only thing I am ever caught up on is Facebook, since I can scroll with one hand during feedings.

The time I have to do all these things is in either in 30-40 minute segments during naptime (if it doesn’t happen to overlap with a pumping session, like right now, where I’m stuck on the couch), or in a stretch of about five hours in the evening. During which two pumping sessions occur. Oh yeah, and dinner and a shower.

Daytime tasks that may or may not happen during naptimes and awake times also include maintenance tidying–like trying to keep the coffee table from overflowing with crap even though I just cleared most of it the day before; moving and ‘arranging’ the big baby equipment to maintain a bit of precious floor space; washing and rinsing bottle stuff over and over again; making food/cleaning up dishes in the kitchen, etc etc.

Then there are the two days a week when a nanny is here. My schedule on those days was pretty great. I would pump upstairs while reading the internet, take a nap for 2-3 hours, pump and eat lunch, go run errands (Target, Costco, groceries), come back and take a walk. Notice that I still didn’t make time for all the “tasks” up above (though occasionally I would clean and tidy), but it was okay because I was actually able to take care of myself for a little bit, and get out of the house by myself. Which never happens in daylight otherwise (I also tend to run to the grocery store at night now after babies are asleep).

Now it’s a whole new ballgame, because I am once again working (part-time, at home).

I hoped I would be able to get a few things done here and there during the week when I was on my own with the babies. Hahahahaha yeah right. I can respond to a quick email here or there, or do a quick computer task if babies are calm-ish, but in general, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there’s no point in even trying to work on those days. It’s just not going to happen. That’s actually freed me a bit, mentally. I don’t stress or worry about it on those days. Plus it means that I can try to do an occasional fun (or at least outside-the-house) thing on those days.

So now on days with a nanny, the entire morning and first part of afternoon is spent working (often at my desk in the living room, which is probably awkward for the nanny) and then in the afternoons figuring out what of the million things I want and need to do can actually happen. I can take a nap OR run errands OR go for a walk. If I time it right, I might be able to nap AND walk, but then I have to cut both of them shorter than I would like. (Boohoo, poor me, right?)

We are (crossing fingers) about to add a third nanny day. That will mean I can work more hours and therefore earn a little more (to pay for the nanny), but it will also mean even more to juggle.

Obviously I realize that almost all of my list is optional stuff that I choose to do (or not be able to do, as the case may be). And of course I know that we are super privileged to be able to afford part-time child care. I also know that I still have it pretty good, since things are so flexible and I don’t work that much. But still. I get stressed out sometimes and feel despair looking around our messy house or at a to-do list left un-checkmarked.

Really, I think the only answer to women having it all is to freeze time and squeeze in an eighth day each week just to get shit done.

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Tired.

I am tired today.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of staying up late to pump, even though I don’t have to stay up as late as I used to.

I am REALLY tired of pumping while feeding two babies simultaneously. I hate it, in fact.

I’m tired of my butt feeling numb from sitting on the couch so much.

I’m tired of the back spasm I only get while pumping.

I’m already tired of trying to work even a little during the day with babies. It’s only been two weeks.

I’m tired of being behind on everything. Cleaning, organizing, photos. Any time I remember something I should do or want to do, I can’t actually do it then. Or I’m just too tired to want to do it.

I’m tired of doing nothing and doing the same things all the time over and over. Somehow I have cabin fever but also am too lazy and tired to do much about it.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing my sweet babies by not knowing how to entertain them enough and not being able to hold them/keep them off their backs all day.

Mostly, I’m freaking exhausted. For the past three weeks I haven’t gotten extra naps during the week that I was getting for the past two months. I get five to six hours of sleep at night, which I know is so much more than a lot of people with small babies so I have no right to complain. But it’s really starting to get to me. It’s so hard to stay up even until 12-1am (to pump, of course)–my eyes literally start crossing. And it’s almost impossible to get up in the mornings.

I’m just so. tired.